Over the last few weeks, not a day has gone by that it didn’t cross my mind that maybe it might just be easier if I didn’t exist anymore.
Anxiety is a cruel mistress.
These have been my darkest days. As I mentioned before, my motivation has disappeared. This doesn’t just pertain to my running. It’s pertaining to my life. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I’ve become stagnant. I feel lost and sad.
This year, I decided I was going to be a better version of me. I’ve been on anti-anxiety medication for almost a year now. In February, I started seeing a new psychologist and began cognitive behavioural therapy. I have been to two other therapists prior to this one and gave up after a few short sessions. I have promised my current therapist that I will not just ghost on her. If I feel the need to leave therapy, I will make one final session to discuss my departure.
This path has been bumpy. I feel like I have felt my highest highs and lowest lows over the last five months. Right now, it’s the lowest of the low. I think I might have finally hit rock bottom.
I have a plan worked out with my psychologist that I need to start engaging more in my life. When I’m anxious and overwhelmed, I potato. I lay around and essentially become a white, starchy, lazy version of myself. I disengage from my friends and partner. I watch too much Netflix. I scroll obsessively through my social media feeds, hoping for something, anything to take the place of the vicious circle of angst and worry spiraling in my brain. I don’t exercise. I eat my feelings. I have trouble sleeping. I cry. I get angry. I avoid existence. I end up with the worst migraines and stomach pains I’ve ever experienced.
I am supposed to make plans and follow through with them even if I don’t want to. I am supposed to cook myself proper meals, clean my house, do laundry, and walk my dog. I am supposed to check my thoughts for unhealthy patterns. I am supposed to run.
I’m supposed to do a lot of things. I think the one I’m supposed to do the most is live. Exist.
**Featured image from the very talented Gemma Correll