I am a goal driven individual. Chock it up to my anxiety disorder or just human nature, but if I don’t have goals, I feel lost and unstructured. For a prime example, take a peep my previous blog post.
Enter running. It doesn’t come easy to me. I’m not a natural athlete. I have tiny short legs and let’s not forget about the asthma. It’s something I have to continually work at, because if I take a hiatus I am basically left back at square one.
I set myself these running goals – like completing a sub 2:10 half marathon or a sub 60 minute 10k – and then when I don’t achieve them, I am devastated. It took me three tries to break an hour on my 10k run and I managed it by the skin of my teeth. That sub 2:10 is still dangling in front of me, teasing me, just like the sub 2 hour goal which is WHAT I REALLY TRULY WANT. A goal driven individual trying to complete these goals in a field which they don’t excel at is just asking for internal turmoil.
My psychologist and I talk a lot about running in my sessions. When I was training for my half marathon in May, I had a particularly bad long run the day before my session. I was in tears discussing it, talking about how I would never meet my goals and how I was crushed. My therapist tried to get me to set a different goal: have a fun run and aim for a 2:30 finish. This is difficult for me because WELL OBVIOUSLY I COULD ACHIEVE THAT. She is wanting me to focus not on a particular time, but on what I get from running – stress release, physical activity, structure, a way to connect with nature.
I’m trying to find the balance between setting big ‘impossible’ goals (inspired by Kelly Roberts, who I will definitely touch on more in this blog at a later date because she’s sort of why I decided to to this…) and goals, that my psychologist believes, I can achieve that won’t destroy me both mentally and physically. There is this tiny section in the middle that I’m searching for. A goal that is challenging enough that I can’t just potato through it yet something that focuses on
It’s tough. I don’t work well without goals and plans. I have a harder time bailing on a run or workout if I wrote it down in my planner or if I told someone about it. (I worry waaaay too much about what other people think about me, even though my therapist has assured me that people don’t think about me nearly as much I think that they do…). I find planning things out is my favourite thing to do. I have planned out my next half marathon plan already and it’s likely not happening until next year. I have planned out my undergrad degree, which I liked a whole lot more than actually doing all of the work.
I’m seeking out that sweet spot. The middle ground. Let’s see if I can find it.